Weird Quotient
I found this while cleaning my hard disk, I must have saved it in a file for later posting at some point. I don't even remember when I originally took it anymore, but here it is.
BREAKING NEWS from CBS News
- MEMO ONE: White House is Actually Blue
- MEMO TWO: CBS News Announces New Spokesman
White House is Actually Blue
NEW YORK (CBS News) — CBS News has obtained documents that confirm, without a doubt, that the White House is actually Blueberry Buckle blue, a shade of paint produced by Behr Process Corporation. It is true that the documents appear to be incorrect, at first, since the White House appears to be a shade near what its name implies, but that simply is not the case.
According to Dan Rather, anchor of CBS Evening News, “These documents are true. This story is true. It is as true as a sweating bird on a 110 degree day.” Rather, who reported these findings on Wednesday in a shocking 60 Minutes II segment, explained that the White House has actually been painted with Behr's Blueberry Buckle since the days of George Washington.
When close minded partisans questioned the omniscient report, pointing to the fact that the White House clearly seems to have a white coloration, Rather responded, “it is possible that a certain color of blue could actually look white.” Other right wing conspiracy nuts argued that the White House could not have been painted Behr's Buckleberry Blue color since the time of the first president since Behr was founded in 1947. “The fact remains that some companies did produce Buckleberry Blue capable paint in the 1790's,” Rather explained during this morning's press conference.
CBS News also confirmed that it had brought in ink experts who had examined the paint on the White House and confirmed that it appeared to confirm what the CBS obtained memos stated. While one of those experts has since claimed that he only was shown several paint swatches that he confirmed could be from Behr, a CBS spokeswoman said “We believed him the first time we talked to him.”
Rather, when questioned about a possible retraction, insisted no apology would be coming. “We have reported serious questions about the color of the White House. Instead of nitpicking about the documents we discovered, both the President and Martha Stewart should answer the serious questions it raises about our country's decorating taste. This story is true.”
CBS News Announces New Spokesman
NEW YORK (CBS News) — CBS News announced today that it had secured a contract with the one person best known around the world for telling only the truth to fill the position of chief spokesman for the news agency. Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf will begin next Monday after moving into a new residence in Manhattan.
al-Sahaf, who formerly used his special talents for management and clear, truthful communication to operate the Iraqi Information Ministry, said he was delighted at the new position. “There are no Republican infidels in CBS News. Never!” he responded to assertions that CBS News might be connected to the vast right wing conspiracy.
While not yet officially in his position, al-Sahaf, who is still residing in Baghdad, which he told CBS News was still free from President Bush's imperial army, sprang to action when someone asked about CBS News's plummeting viewership. “I blame CNN and Fox News - they are marketing for the Republicans!”
Very Quizzical
Which Office Moron Are You?
I'll smoke you a kipper, because you'll be back for breakfast. You're the cult television show quoting, user account deleting, soap loathing IT Manager.Something in your childhood has made you the way you are. You've been hired to provide a service to everyone else in the office - you make the computers run, and you make them run well. You've streamlined everything; you've removed all the viruses and installed all the firewalls. The only trouble - the only hole in your veneer of digital perfection - is the way you laugh at everyone.
If someone doesn't know UNIX, you laugh at them. If they lose their password, they laugh at them. If they visit a website using Microsoft Internet Explorer and their computer succumbs to an Internet worm, you laugh. Then you take a swig of your Coke, and with another hearty chuckle tell all your friends on IRC about the idiots you have to deal with.
Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself, although let's face it, you don't need help in that department. You're great, you. Fantastic like burning cool. If only those luddite office fools would let you play Unreal Tournament in peace.
[Thanks to Christopher, who's blog doesn't look like itself at the moment.]
Busy
Today was the kind of day that everything you thought you had settled came unsettled. Nothing “bad,” just a lot of things that need to be done that I thought I already had taken care of. Alas, that means (as MeanDean likes to say), life trumped blogging again today.
I didn't even get a chance to look at some of the new comments I noticed where posted. sigh Never fear, I'll be back tomorrow… I hope.
Spam Past Expiration
Weird news of the day: Spam Has Turned 100 years old. Shall we wish it a happy birthday? Nah, I don't think so.
I'm hungry
I've been really hungry at night lately. I'm not sure why. I had a big BBQ dinner from Bandana's Barbecue tonight, but I'm getting in the mood for a nice, big snack. A piece of pie or pizza seems to beckon… I may just have to go get myself one or the other.
Shakespearean Backache?
I decided to get the complete works of Shakespeare on Amazon a few weeks back. I'll need them eventually for a Shakespeare class, and I thought it might come in handy in the mean time. I read the description, which seemed to indicate it was 2057 pages in two volumes. That sounded alright. It might be a bit of a bear to hall around, but the part about putting it in two volumes seemed like a good idea.
It pays to read descriptions carefully.
As it turns out, that was the description for the more expensive version of the Riverside Shakespeare, not the one I ordered. I had the Amazon box sitting on the couch for the last week, and finally decided to open it up today. When I opened it, I quickly realized that it was not in two volumes. This thing is a monster. It is nearly a foot tall and 2/3 of the same in width. It is the better part of three inches thick, and must weigh about the same as a Ford Explorer. Or perhaps a Hummer. And speaking of cars, this book would be an ideal way for the local junkyard to crush old cars — of course, not much would be left after the collision. Not much left of the car, I mean — the book would certainly survive.
I thought about sending it back and ordering the $20 more expensive version that divides things into two volumes, but I think I've thought better of it. This is just a book that won't be traveling with me. If I need to carry the bard's works around, I shall get a single play at a time from Dover Thrift Editions. At a buck fifty a piece, its hard to imagine a better deal than Dover's republications of classic works.
Speaking of which, I ordered one of those too. I decided I needed my own personal copy of one of my favorite works, Voltaire's Candide. That's truly a delightful satire that I was sad to say I did not possess a copy of. I do now. For $3.00 (including a $1.50 handling fee for Amazon to get it from Dover — I'm not sure what that was about), I now own my very own copy. If that isn't “the best of all possible worlds,” it certainly is close enough. I'm sure Dr. Pangloss would agree.
Almost Back
Well, I'm moving a bit slow, but I think I'm mostly recovered from the nasty effects of ragweed (which peaked this week — about a month late — at a high of 134 grains per cubic meter, substantially higher than the 50 grains per cubic meter that is considered “high.”). Nasty stuff. It has made me feel worse in the past, but it seemed to have a longer lasting period of “attack” this year. Right now, the main remaining issue is a cough, which, normally will stick with me for a few weeks.
Well, enough wallowing in self-pity. Today is 9/11. I cannot believe it has been three years since the World Trade Center was hit. I can still remember hearing the breaking news on CBS Radio News (via KMOX) early on that beautiful September morning. On the other hand, it seems like terrorism has been the top headline for ages now — I miss the time before we were so worried about it.
Still Down, but Not Out
I'm still not in the best of shape, but I hope to be back among y'all tomorrow… we'll see.
