Entries Tagged 'Humor'
The Lord's Prayer of the Lingering Tillichian
From The Hereticus Papers by Robert Brown (borrowed from Catholic Information Network).
Ground of Being, No object among other objects,
Aahhh.
Be.
In history as well as beyond history.
Support our finite freedom,
And sustain us when our dreaming innocence
Becomes Zeitgebund.
For with you alone
Are autonomy
And heteronomy
Eternally theonomous.
You have to know Paul Tillich to get this, so if you aren't familiar with Tillich's work, don't feel bad if this makes no sense at all.
BREAKING NEWS from CBS News
- MEMO ONE: White House is Actually Blue
- MEMO TWO: CBS News Announces New Spokesman
White House is Actually Blue
NEW YORK (CBS News) — CBS News has obtained documents that confirm, without a doubt, that the White House is actually Blueberry Buckle blue, a shade of paint produced by Behr Process Corporation. It is true that the documents appear to be incorrect, at first, since the White House appears to be a shade near what its name implies, but that simply is not the case.
According to Dan Rather, anchor of CBS Evening News, “These documents are true. This story is true. It is as true as a sweating bird on a 110 degree day.” Rather, who reported these findings on Wednesday in a shocking 60 Minutes II segment, explained that the White House has actually been painted with Behr's Blueberry Buckle since the days of George Washington.
When close minded partisans questioned the omniscient report, pointing to the fact that the White House clearly seems to have a white coloration, Rather responded, “it is possible that a certain color of blue could actually look white.” Other right wing conspiracy nuts argued that the White House could not have been painted Behr's Buckleberry Blue color since the time of the first president since Behr was founded in 1947. “The fact remains that some companies did produce Buckleberry Blue capable paint in the 1790's,” Rather explained during this morning's press conference.
CBS News also confirmed that it had brought in ink experts who had examined the paint on the White House and confirmed that it appeared to confirm what the CBS obtained memos stated. While one of those experts has since claimed that he only was shown several paint swatches that he confirmed could be from Behr, a CBS spokeswoman said “We believed him the first time we talked to him.”
Rather, when questioned about a possible retraction, insisted no apology would be coming. “We have reported serious questions about the color of the White House. Instead of nitpicking about the documents we discovered, both the President and Martha Stewart should answer the serious questions it raises about our country's decorating taste. This story is true.”
CBS News Announces New Spokesman
NEW YORK (CBS News) — CBS News announced today that it had secured a contract with the one person best known around the world for telling only the truth to fill the position of chief spokesman for the news agency. Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf will begin next Monday after moving into a new residence in Manhattan.
al-Sahaf, who formerly used his special talents for management and clear, truthful communication to operate the Iraqi Information Ministry, said he was delighted at the new position. “There are no Republican infidels in CBS News. Never!” he responded to assertions that CBS News might be connected to the vast right wing conspiracy.
While not yet officially in his position, al-Sahaf, who is still residing in Baghdad, which he told CBS News was still free from President Bush's imperial army, sprang to action when someone asked about CBS News's plummeting viewership. “I blame CNN and Fox News - they are marketing for the Republicans!”
Important News Flash
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
(Original author unknown.)
A Dozen Thoughts for the Day
12. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
11. Always get the last word in: Apologize.
10. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7. Whenever you feel blue, start breathing again.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
5. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
4. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
3. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
2. How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists —- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Car Ride
Ok, so I'm not going to be back in Blogger Idol this week. Oh well.
Here's a joke instead:
A woman was on a cross country trip. After days and days of traveling by car without talking to anyone, she noticed a hitchhiker on the side of the road. The hitchiker didn't know very much English and was very quiet, but kept eyeing a large bag the woman had in between the seats.
Finally, the woman said “That bag has a bottle of wine in it, I got it for my husband.” The hitchhiker was silent for a long time, but finally replied, “good trade.”
Gathering
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river. “With even greater emphasis he said, ” And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.”
Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River.”
Automatical Blog Posting Template
This is a blog post about $X. When I heard about $X, I thought $Y and $Z. According to $A, “$X is the best thing since sliced $B!” The Associated Press also talked about $X and declared it the “Best of the Best” for the $foobar industry! This is so exciting! You really should read more about $X. I bet you'll think $Y and $Z too. Or maybe not, but then you may at least think $C and $D. Whatever the case, let me know what you think about $X in the comments below. If you think $E or $F, please explain why, as well.
/dev/random
Thought for the Day: There are two types of people. Those that think there are two types of people and those that don't.
From the ol' mailbox:A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series
of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued…and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Only in America, eh?
I wasn't able to find a quick confirmation on whether this was true. It sounds about right though.
So there were these two boys...
“Absolutely nothing,” answered the Protestant boy.
The Main Question: Are They Quartz Movement?
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone giving dogs such stupid names?”
“Hellooooo,” answered the blonde, “they're watch dogs!”
