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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to
drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
“Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up,
hitched his gun belt and said “I do. Why?”
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just
thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead
outside.” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough,
Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some
water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want
you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough
of a breeze to make him start to feel better.” Tonto said, “Sure,
Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do
anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
“Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again
and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?” The cowboy says to
him, “Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know….you left your Injun
The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
Gravois Road can only be pronounced by a native.
Construction on highway 40, 70, 270, 44, 55 and I-170 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
A St. Louisan from South County has never been to North County and visa versa. West County has everything delivered.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect, or has been on for the last 17 miles.
There are 2 exits on Highway 40 for Clayton Road and 2 for Big Bend.
All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs (driving on Olive west of 270) have the right of way.
Laclede Station Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. As do McCausland, Lindbergh, Watson, Fee Fee, Airport Road and Midland.
Drivers are starting to cut their OWN plates rather than go through the Mo. Vehicle Dept. to get new tags. You can purchase tags from dealers behind QuiK Shops in the city. They are cheaper, the clerks are nicer, and the service is faster.
You can go all four directions on Highway 270: North and South in West County, East and West in South County, and East and West in North County. Confused?
So are the St. Louis drivers.
No native St. Louisan knows that Lindbergh runs from South County to North County. And, if you tell them, they will not believe you. Lindbergh belongs to every neighborhood except Kirkwood, who had the nerve to creatively change the name to “Kirkwood Road”.
Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,”Keep honking, I'm reloading”- he is.
Any car parked longer than 4 hours in the city, is considered a parts store.
Highway 270 is our daily version of the NASCAR circuit.
YIELD signs are for decoration only. No native St. Louisan will ever grasp the concept.
If it snows or rains? Stay home.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your houseWhen the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your Mom!
Here is a piece of very serious information concerning scientific experiments with human life.
God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him. “God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell Me…” replies God.
“Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that's very interesting… Show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.“No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
It seems that there was a very serious meeting called by Saddam's top doctor today. According to a communique, it went something like this:
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam's doubles. “Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is Saddam is still alive. The bad news is… He's lost an arm.”
Now you can go ahead and give a collective groan to that. On another serious note, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Minister of Information, now has his own “fan site.” I particularly suggest you take a look at the page entitled M.S.S. Throughout History, which contains key intellegence information of even higher quality than the communique I mention above.