At the Crossroads

Regular readers probably read my post last month about trying to divert myself away from the computer industry in the coming years. My first step in that direction, as I noted, is working on getting a degree with a double major in English and Religion. David Aikema asked the obvious question at the time: what job would I be heading into after earning it? That's a good question, and one that has been haunting me for a long time.

Unfortunately, answers have been hard for me to come by. Five years ago, I first felt small, nagging call into ministry. I figured it must have just been a wild thought and I tried to push it out of my mind. I was the weirdo as a young child who preferred having my mother read to me the business profiles from Everybody's Business(a book on top corporations) instead of fairy tales and stories. By second grade I had started to try to figure out a serious, profitable business plan. Within a few years I was regularly reading the business section of the newspaper and even watching some stocks. For nearly as long, the technology business has intrigued me. By my mid teens no one even bothered to ask what I was going to do in life so much as exactly what part of the computer business I was going to be involved in. The computer industry has, to a large extent, existed as the “master status” of my life.

Yet, I know it is not me. Knowing that does not necessarily make it easier to escape what has become so entwined with my identity, however. Many who find out my intentions are horrified that I'd give up what appears to be such a “lucrative” path. And at times I feel almost foolish for wishing to change directions. What right minded person would give up being in the industry of the times? I've battled the thoughts in me for years trying to readjust my course to where I had been heading. But its hard to argue with where you feel called.

The future remains very murky to me, which is the most difficult part. Obviously, for the moment, I am going to keep on doing what I have been doing. But then… It's just that. But then what? That's what I really don't know. I've been praying about it for years, but answers elude me. I feel almost as if I get further mired in the swamp of indecision as I move forward. On the other hand, my realization that my purpose is not what I am doing now is becoming only clearer as time passes.

It is a weird thing. At times I feel like a failure. I'm not suppose to be doing this, right? I always prided myself for knowing exactly where I wanted to go in the future. As others tried to figure out what they wanted to do, I [thought I] knew. The reality that I really didn't is troubling.

Part of me feels called to somewhere in academia to train up people. I love the intricacies of apologetics and theology, and I love exploring them through socratic method. I have also spent a lot of the time that I've been involved in computers training people, albeit with a smaller, often in a one-on-one type of setting. Another part of me feels torn towards a more active roll in ministry — it is fine to sit within the hallowed halls and talk about what should be done, but maybe I would be better on the front lines. Or maybe not. That is the conundrum. Either way I will have ample opportunity to continue to flex and develop my other passion: the written word.

Maybe I know just what I need to know for now. Enough to move forward toward whatever the destination is for me. Maybe if I knew what the future held it would be too much to deal with just yet. Still, such a loose sense of purpose and direction — especially aimed away from what everyone expects one to continue to do — is hard to explain and harder to get people to accept. Whether those who know me accept it or not is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but it does not make it any easier in the short run.

So for now, I just keep plodding along toward the horizon where I will hopefully reach my next stop. Perhaps my current work isn't so much a mistake or detail so much as a provision of the luxury to take my time reaching where I need to be. I am sure God has it all planned out, I just with he would drop the “map” down to me so I could see that ahead of time.