Through an exclusive breakthrough in quantum journalism, Open for Business has obtained a classified Soviet Union memorandum from an alternate timeline. The document from 1956 in that reality describes a service we never enjoyed, Tick Tock Radio (TTR), an initiative apparently key to that reality’s starkly divergent present day from our own.

Does this make me sound old? I don’t really care. The U.S. TikTok ban is spot on and the Brazilian X ban is not. No “back in my day” speech required.