Bad Day, Redux

Today was a painful day, connected to the “bad day” I experienced last October (the date of which, October 20, has been emblazoned in my mind), as well as the much more positive post I made this past May about calling. Much of what had caused the bad day last October had been due to mistaken information, much of what caused today's is the confirmation that those mistakes are no longer mistaken. The pain is dull right now, I've not yet had it sink in — I know I am in shock.

How I'd love to write more, to talk about this, but I can't. I covet an outlet, but must be content to just stew on this for now. I've not yet given up, I've come too far to throw in the towel after feeling as though I was being lead for over a year. I hope beyond hope that I've again misunderstood something, but what I misunderstood before has become so explicitly clear, I cannot see how.

In many ways, it is probably best I cannot detail things. While I have no doubt about the long term impact of this, I realize it would probably seem minor and petty from the outside (perhaps it does even to myself if I can try to position myself as an impartial observer). In the midst of so many problems I see people suffering, I have very little to complain about.

All I'd say for now, is that if I might be selfish, I would appreciate your prayers. Prayers, mostly, about clarity concerning God's leading. If He really is leading in the direction I thought, I need to understand how to get past this show stopper of a roadblock. If I've misunderstood, I need to know where I am really suppose to be going. I have no doubt that God leads me, I just know I'm often too dense to really see where it is He wants me.