Unfolding My Story: Church Abuse and Trust

Perhaps one of the hardest parts of moving on post-church abuse (see my first part of this story) is the matter of regaining trust in people. How could something like this happen? How can it not only happen, but — generally speaking — how can it happen and so few were willing to stand up against it? How can more abuse be going on at the very same church right now and the leadership does not care enough to stop it?

The last question is the hardest to swallow. Just weeks ago another person started being harassed at the old church in ways not very unlike what I faced. The leaders of the church know the person has been hurt, yet they do not act. They know other people have also faced situations like what I faced and yet they do not act. Only a handful of people are willing to rock the boat, others either do not want to see or are fearful of the guns turning on them should they admit that they see.

This is not the way things are suppose to be.

My friend Eduardo, who himself faced an abusive church situation, nailed what happens in abusive church situations in a piece he wrote last week. He writes how leaders, “once challenged […] will unleash living hell on the concerned member. Threats; anonymous letters, emails and SMS; character assassination; blackmail; extortion; and several other cloak-and-dagger techniques are all fair game.”

I experienced almost all of these abuses last summer. The main perpetrators of the abuse in the leadership worked systematically towards not merely forcing me out of the church (or into a broken submission to the abuse) but also took actions that very well could have destroyed my calling and career. Yes, they went that far. If it were only me, I might be able to process the fact that numerous people I trusted deeply were willing to look the other way as I faced church abuse. But how does one reconstruct trust when one can see people he trusted allowing harassment and abuse to occur over and over again?

I would like to think it is cognitive dissonance on the parts of those leaders who do not take an active role in the abuse, yet choose to look the other way or make excuses. On the other hand, maybe it is cognitive dissonance on my part to try to create an excuse for them. But, I desperately want to believe people I always thought to be caring, decent people cannot truly think abuse is OK in a church. I desperately want to believe they do not think a cold, rationalistic “ends justifies the means” view excuses looking over abuse for the supposed “greater good” of the church.

As time rolls on and I learn more and more stories of abuse and misdeeds in my old church — tales not from troublemakers, but from people I know have been sincerely wounded — it becomes harder and harder to understand how those who stand on the sidelines can do so. OK, so I got hurt, that's fine… but how can you let so many other people get hurt, too?

I do not know what to do about this. What I do know is that too much of what I experienced and what I see and hear can be stopped. And, all I can do for those who think abuse might be going on in their church is say this: never, ever be content to mind your own business and assume it is best that things stay quiet. Though abusers may argue otherwise, it is not proper and it is not biblical. The darkness of the quiet breeds abuse.

If you notice people are missing from your church, or — worse, still — know they are not only missing but are also saying they have been attacked, abused, harassed or what have you, ask questions. Learn about the situation. And do not accept the pastor's or leaders' explanations as gospel truth right away, particularly if what they claim about the person who has been apparently wounded appears massively out of character for that person. In my situation, too many people were willing to accept claims about me that they admitted sounded nothing like what they knew of me.

In the end, when people are willing to look the other way, not only does it encourage abuse, it also hurts the leader and pastors. Everyone needs to be held accountable, because lack of accountability, especially in high positions, creates a temptation for abuse that very few people can resist. If the members refuse to allow darkness to cover the sins of abuse, fewer people will be abused.

An inscription from the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C. has been brought to my attention several times by people in relation to my experience. Most recently, a friend lent me a book on church abuse that quotes it. It is apropos:

Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.

If people refuse to be bystanders, the environment that encourages abuse can be destroyed.