OK, these two jokes were passed along to me this week, so I figured I'd share them.
- Abraham decided to upgrade his computer to Windows Vista. As he headed to the computer store with Isaac, Isaac asked his dad, “Father, how are we going to upgrade such an old computer?” Abraham looked at his son and replied, “Don't worry son, the Lord will provide the RAM.”
- Jesus is talking with his disciples. He tells them, “The Kingdom of God is like x2 = y + 2.” One disciple leans over to another and says, “there he goes with another one of his parabolas.”
Thank you, thank you very much. Yes, I'll be here all week.
Well, like Christopher, I am trying to blog the entire month of December, so although I do not have enough energy to post much, I can at least provide some humor:
What do they call Santa's helpers?
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about
their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?How do canines in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Merry Second Week of Advent!
I heard this from my pastor this evening at Alpha:
[My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term “bathroom commode.” But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. “Does the campground have its own B.C.?” is what she finally wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. He knew that the Joe-kster lived in British Columbia, but that wasn’t what the lady was referring to. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply…]Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don't start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!”
Chalk that up as a danger of being too proper!
I got a spam today trying to sell me on a new software download site. Here's an excerpt:
We take this opportunity to announce you that a new free software portal has been released, where you can find a wide diversity of software to fit all your needs.
Our website is updated every day with day 0 state of the art free to download software, for both Macintosh computers and PCs.
Yup. I always like to go to places with “0 state of the art free to download software.” Betcha y'all want me to tell you the address so that you can go too, right?
From my e-mail box:
Enclosed is my 2004 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that
the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value
$1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my
return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5” Phillips
Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for
1.5” Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.
Sincerely,A Satisfied Taxpayer
From my e-mail box.
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y”.
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.
Found in my old e-mail from 2001. Unfortunately, I do not know where it came from any longer.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead,
and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the
“Ready!…Aim!! …” Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”
Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. The guard brings the
redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She
say no and the executioner shouts,
“Ready! … Aim!!…” Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!”Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. By now the blonde has
it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, “Ready!
… Aim!! …” …and the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”
From The Hereticus Papers by Robert Brown (borrowed from Catholic Information Network).
Ground of Being, No object among other objects,
In history as well as beyond history.
Support our finite freedom,
And sustain us when our dreaming innocence
For with you alone
You have to know Paul Tillich to get this, so if you aren't familiar with Tillich's work, don't feel bad if this makes no sense at all.
White House is Actually Blue
NEW YORK (CBS News) — CBS News has obtained documents that confirm, without a doubt, that the White House is actually Blueberry Buckle blue, a shade of paint produced by Behr Process Corporation. It is true that the documents appear to be incorrect, at first, since the White House appears to be a shade near what its name implies, but that simply is not the case.
According to Dan Rather, anchor of CBS Evening News, “These documents are true. This story is true. It is as true as a sweating bird on a 110 degree day.” Rather, who reported these findings on Wednesday in a shocking 60 Minutes II segment, explained that the White House has actually been painted with Behr's Blueberry Buckle since the days of George Washington.
When close minded partisans questioned the omniscient report, pointing to the fact that the White House clearly seems to have a white coloration, Rather responded, “it is possible that a certain color of blue could actually look white.” Other right wing conspiracy nuts argued that the White House could not have been painted Behr's Buckleberry Blue color since the time of the first president since Behr was founded in 1947. “The fact remains that some companies did produce Buckleberry Blue capable paint in the 1790's,” Rather explained during this morning's press conference.
CBS News also confirmed that it had brought in ink experts who had examined the paint on the White House and confirmed that it appeared to confirm what the CBS obtained memos stated. While one of those experts has since claimed that he only was shown several paint swatches that he confirmed could be from Behr, a CBS spokeswoman said “We believed him the first time we talked to him.”
Rather, when questioned about a possible retraction, insisted no apology would be coming. “We have reported serious questions about the color of the White House. Instead of nitpicking about the documents we discovered, both the President and Martha Stewart should answer the serious questions it raises about our country's decorating taste. This story is true.”
CBS News Announces New Spokesman
NEW YORK (CBS News) — CBS News announced today that it had secured a contract with the one person best known around the world for telling only the truth to fill the position of chief spokesman for the news agency. Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf will begin next Monday after moving into a new residence in Manhattan.
al-Sahaf, who formerly used his special talents for management and clear, truthful communication to operate the Iraqi Information Ministry, said he was delighted at the new position. “There are no Republican infidels in CBS News. Never!” he responded to assertions that CBS News might be connected to the vast right wing conspiracy.
While not yet officially in his position, al-Sahaf, who is still residing in Baghdad, which he told CBS News was still free from President Bush's imperial army, sprang to action when someone asked about CBS News's plummeting viewership. “I blame CNN and Fox News - they are marketing for the Republicans!”