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Nov 7, 2005
By | Posted at 19:55:31
From my e-mail box:
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2004 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that
the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value
$1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my
return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5” Phillips
Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for
1.5” Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Sep 28, 2005
By | Posted at 23:26:40
From my e-mail box.
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y”.
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.
Aug 14, 2005
By | Posted at 22:0:54
Found in my old e-mail from 2001. Unfortunately, I do not know where it came from any longer.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead,
and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the
executioner shouts,
“Ready!…Aim!! …” Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”
Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. The guard brings the
redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She
say no and the executioner shouts,
“Ready! … Aim!!…” Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!”
Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. By now the blonde has
it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, “Ready!
… Aim!! …” …and the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”
Mar 17, 2005
By | Posted at 20:2:5
From The Hereticus Papers by Robert Brown (borrowed from Catholic Information Network).
Ground of Being,
No object among other objects,
Aahhh.
Be.
In history as well as beyond history.
Support our finite freedom,
And sustain us when our dreaming innocence
Becomes Zeitgebund.
For with you alone
Are autonomy
And heteronomy
Eternally theonomous.
You have to know Paul Tillich to get this, so if you aren't familiar with Tillich's work, don't feel bad if this makes no sense at all.
Sep 17, 2004
By | Posted at 18:23:0
Here are some
CBS News press releases
asisaid was able to obtain from an unimpeachable source. I will not be able to provide the source's name for fear that it might endanger that source's health and well being.
White House is Actually Blue
NEW YORK (CBS News) — CBS News has obtained documents that confirm, without a doubt, that the White House is actually Blueberry Buckle blue, a shade of paint produced by Behr Process Corporation. It is true that the documents appear to be incorrect, at first, since the White House appears to be a shade near what its name implies, but that simply is not the case.
According to Dan Rather, anchor of CBS Evening News, “These documents are true. This story is true. It is as true as a sweating bird on a 110 degree day.” Rather, who reported these findings on Wednesday in a shocking 60 Minutes II segment, explained that the White House has actually been painted with Behr's Blueberry Buckle since the days of George Washington.
When close minded partisans questioned the omniscient report, pointing to the fact that the White House clearly seems to have a white coloration, Rather responded, “it is possible that a certain color of blue could actually look white.” Other right wing conspiracy nuts argued that the White House could not have been painted Behr's Buckleberry Blue color since the time of the first president since Behr was founded in 1947. “The fact remains that some companies did produce Buckleberry Blue capable paint in the 1790's,” Rather explained during this morning's press conference.
CBS News also confirmed that it had brought in ink experts who had examined the paint on the White House and confirmed that it appeared to confirm what the CBS obtained memos stated. While one of those experts has since claimed that he only was shown several paint swatches that he confirmed could be from Behr, a CBS spokeswoman said “We believed him the first time we talked to him.”
Rather, when questioned about a possible retraction, insisted no apology would be coming. “We have reported serious questions about the color of the White House. Instead of nitpicking about the documents we discovered, both the President and Martha Stewart should answer the serious questions it raises about our country's decorating taste. This story is true.”
CBS News Announces New Spokesman
NEW YORK (CBS News) — CBS News announced today that it had secured a contract with the one person best known around the world for telling only the truth to fill the position of chief spokesman for the news agency. Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf will begin next Monday after moving into a new residence in Manhattan.
al-Sahaf, who formerly used his special talents for management and clear, truthful communication to operate the Iraqi Information Ministry, said he was delighted at the new position. “There are no Republican infidels in CBS News. Never!” he responded to assertions that CBS News might be connected to the vast right wing conspiracy.
While not yet officially in his position, al-Sahaf, who is still residing in Baghdad, which he told CBS News was still free from President Bush's imperial army, sprang to action when someone asked about CBS News's plummeting viewership. “I blame CNN and Fox News - they are marketing for the Republicans!”
Read more...
Jun 19, 2004
By | Posted at 18:48:39
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
(Original author unknown.)
Read more...
Apr 24, 2004
By | Posted at 9:37:58
12. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
11. Always get the last word in: Apologize.
10. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7. Whenever you feel blue, start breathing again.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
5. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
4. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
3. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
2. How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists —- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Read more...
Feb 29, 2004
By Timothy R. Butler | Posted at 18:46:58
“Leap Day” deserves a bit of humor… okay, it isn’t new, but it is funny.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, “But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Jesus saves.”
Feb 12, 2004
By | Posted at 13:33:47
Ok, so I'm not going to be back in Blogger Idol this week. Oh well.
Here's a joke instead:
A woman was on a cross country trip. After days and days of traveling by car without talking to anyone, she noticed a hitchhiker on the side of the road. The hitchiker didn't know very much English and was very quiet, but kept eyeing a large bag the woman had in between the seats.
Finally, the woman said “That bag has a bottle of wine in it, I got it for my husband.” The hitchhiker was silent for a long time, but finally replied, “good trade.”
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Jan 22, 2004
By | Posted at 14:24:33
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river. “With even greater emphasis he said, ” And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.”
Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River.”
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